"You realize that pirates were nothing like what you see on television, right?" I was asked this by a relative who made old people frowny faces as they spotted one of my tattoos.
Why do people always assume that I have no grasp on reality what-so-ever? Is it because I see the world with a humorist's eyes? Could it be cause I have a child-like wonder and innocence, or that I have no grasp
on reality what-so-ever?
Whatever the reason, people seem to go out of their way to remind me that the things that I love aren't A) real or C) possible.
Non-believers who laugh at my almost manic preparations for zombie attacks. The Missus who laughs at things like the closet door being left open a crack, or my nervousness around the dishwasher, vacuum, or garbage disposal. People hate it when you're happy or deluded
or lying to yourself, so they have to make sure that you KNOW that the thing that brings you that happiness or delusion isn't real. So yes. I know that pirates aren't the laughing and handsome buccaneers with the pearly white smiles and well cleaned clothing that you see on television. I know this because the truth is...
Pirates were stinky.
Its a fact.
They were surrounded by water and fresh air and the open sea, and yet they stank to high heaven and had diseases with really diseasy sounding names like scurvy, or rickets.
Rickets. It doesn't get anymore in-your-face serious than that. With cancer you have chemotherapy and hope. With HIV you have medicine, treatment, and can live a full and long life. But when the doctor comes in to give you the news that you have rickets, life as you know it is over. I bet that he doesn't even touch the door knob on the way out, or that he hands you your prognosis with one of those grabby arm things that your Grandmother uses to get pickles off of the top shelf.
Sure, I have no idea what a ricket is let alone multiple rickets that make up a conglomeration of rickets to give you the disease itself. All that I know is that lyme
disease is what you get when a tick buries its head in your flesh and infects you, and that lyme disease doesn't sound so bad.
It sounds fruity, almost tropical. Festive even.
So if a disease with a nice sounding name like lyme disease is what you get from a tick sticking his fanged face into your flesh and playing peek-a-boo, then for a disease to end up with a name like "rickets" it has to be pretty frigging hard core. Which probably suited pirate life just fine, because pirate life was HARD.
A few hundred years ago, you didn't have real technology. You had some sticks, some rocks, the cotton gin, and someone had just invented the lever and pulley - which like the yo-yo, were originally designed as weapons.
Most people just envision pirates sailing around the ocean and firing cannons while drinking rum like an aquatic frat party on the 4th of July. Nothing could be further from the truth. Firstly, the 4th of July hadn't even been invented yet, as the number 4 was considered "The witch's number" and anyone who mentioned it was instantly infected with rickets and then set a blaze. Secondly, sailing is a lot harder than it looks, especially if have soft and dainty girl hands from years of typing.
Rope
burn is a very real thing, not to mention splinters and calluses and blisters - none of which you were allowed to have or complain about. If a pirate caught you blowing on your hands because a mooring line zipped through them too quickly and they got "all hot", you were keel hauled and tossed to the sharks. Pirates couldn't afford sissies because they had an image to maintain. It's HARD to look tough
and menacing as you swing from ship to ship when half of your guys are too scared to use the rope and the other half are crawling across the boarding planks on their hands and knees because it's dangerous.
Sailing and maintaining a ship was hard. Life at sea battling giant sea rickets and loading cannons was hard. And most important of all, being a pirate was hard. It was dirty, brutal, thankless